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Step Aside, Two Buck Chuck: Trader Joe’s $3.99 Wine, Ranked

By / November 19, 2017

We, like all good millennials, love a good bargain. Blame it on the fact that we spend 75% of our income on rent and save our splurging for nights out at the bar or a new leather jacket. Whatever it is, you’ll be hard-pressed to find us spending more than $10 on a bottle of wine, especially when we’re drinking it solo in bed, with our best friends in front of our favorite TV show, or at the end of a particularly raucous night.

Like so many of our peers, we spent our college years throwing back Two Buck Chuck and slapping that bag of Franzia, only to realize that there is some merit in shelling out a few more bucks for a bottle of vino. If you’re still in the college mentality (both emotionally and financially), we hear you—desperate times call for desperate measures, and sometimes, you just want a nightcap without the hefty price tag.

Lucky for you, our totally unqualified team of Rally writers, managers, and social media mavens did the hard work for you. Take a step up from the Two Buck Chuck and let us enlighten you about Trader Joe’s $3.99 wine, ranked. But be warned: it wasn’t pretty.

via GIPHY

RED

Panilonco, Cabernet Sauvignon, 2016 Chile

General Consensus: You’re supposed to take your socks off before you crush the grapes.

Rating: 2/5

 

La Granja, Tempranillo, 2016 Spain

General Consensus: Notes of wood, paint thinner, regret. Plus side: might work for removing a gel manicure.

Rating: 2/5

 

Green Fin, Red Table Wine, 2016 California

General Consensus: Mouthfuls of sugar. But if you like sweet wine, this one’s for you.

Rating: 3/5

 

Viñas Chilenas – Rosario Estate Reserva, Pinot Noir, 2016 Chile

General Consensus: Picture paying $14 for a little plastic cup of wine at Coachella. This is probably the wine you’re drinking. But it’s only $3.99. 

Rating: 3.5/5

 

WINNER

Grifone, Primitivo (From old vine Zinfandel), 2016 Italy

General Consensus: Could definitely polish off a bottle of this on a cozy night in. Would pair perfectly with The Bachelorette.

Rating: 4.5/5

WHITE

Purple Moon, Chardonnay, 2016 California

General Consensus: This smells like our college hangovers and doesn’t taste any better.

Rating: 1

 

Columbia River Landing, Riesling, 2016 Washington

General Consensus: Fantastic. As in it tastes like Fantastic cleaner.

Rating: 1

 

Viñas Chilenas – Rosario Estate Reserva, Rosé, 2017 Chile

General Consensus: Why do all of these smell like poor life choices? Tastes like rancid honey. Does honey go rancid? This wine may be the only proof.

Rating: 1.5

 

Green Fin, White Table Wine, 2012 California

General Consensus: It’s oddly reminiscent of Welch’s white grape juice, but we’re not mad at it. Pair with (organic) animal crackers.

Rating: 3/5

 

WINNER

Contadino, Pinot Grigio, 2016 Italy

General Consensus: Would definitely splash some in a seafood pasta—and then drink the rest.

Rating: 3.5/5

By

Eloise is a food and lifestyle writer who enjoys waxing poetic on the best burgers and martinis, and inevitably overshares about her dating life. Los Angeles raised and Bay Area based, she is Rally’s Associate Editor with a penchant for Frasier, crop tops, and cats. Follow her on Instagram @eloissse.

More articles by Eloise Porter

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