Oh, hangovers. The headaches, the shakes, the shits, the nausea, the exhaustion, and of course, the unforgiving shame spirals. WOOF.
OK, now that we’ve gotten all the problems out of our system, let’s seek the solution to the age-old question: Is there a hangover cure?
Some people will tell you that the only way to ensure no hangover is not to drink at all. (OK…not the question.) Or that we should “Try drinking moderately for once” as they chide us like children, as if we have this thing they call self-control, as though we masochistically must LIKE feeling like shit.
You know what? Screw those people. Seriously. They’re no fun and probably have ZERO friends up there on their high horse anyway.
The fact is, once in awhile, you’re gonna drink too much. You’re gonna cut loose and go a little nuts. And then the next day you’re gonna feel like poop.
We’re here to help you get through those hard times with a few hangover cures that actually work. And while none of them will have you back to 100%, they sure as hell will prevent you from spending an entire day on your (or a stranger’s) couch feeling sorry for yourself between the trembling and the dry heaving and the silent tears.
Pedialyte Popsicles or Liquid
Pedialyte is everything. Pedialyte is god. Pedialyte is an oral electrolyte solution that is designed to quickly replace fluids and minerals that are lost when a child has diarrhea. Well then. We’ve bought this from Walgreen’s and CVS countless times along with thermometers and cough drops to look less like degenerates and more like decent moms. (We don’t think this makes us bad people either.) According to our good friend Wikipedia, Pedialyte has also become a hydration alternative to sports drinks for some athletes. It’s also popular with undocumented immigrants attempting to enter the United States near the US-Mexico border in order to avoid dehydration. And for our task at hand, Pedialyte has recently become a popular drink for people suffering from hangovers, with ⅓ of its sales coming from adults since 2012.
Korean Pear Juice
OK, so, apparently the Aussies were on the hunt for hangover cures and after quite a bit of research, Australia’s Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organization (CSIRO) landed on Korean Pear Juice. Innnteresting….They found that Korean pear juice contains anti-inflammatory agents and enzymes that are necessary for speeding up alcohol metabolism and slightly inhibiting alcohol absorption. If you consume one cup of Asian pear juice before drinking alcohol, it will lessen the effects of a hangover the next day. Worth a shot.
Chlorophyll and Milk Thistle
Remember chlorophyll from photosynthesis? It’s a plant pigment responsible for the absorption of light in the process of photosynthesis, which creates energy. So…naturally it will help your hangover cause um, energy, and stuff. No, but actually, chlorophyll and its synthetic version chlorophyllin promote the body’s natural elimination of potentially harmful toxins in your liver. Alcohol = liver toxin. Chlorophyll = getting liver toxins out. It’s like science class all over again, but for irresponsible adults! Milk thistle is sometimes used as a natural treatment for liver problems. You see where we’re going with this, right?
Pho & Jasmine Tea
Matzo Ball Soup & Ginger Ale
Miso Soup & Sprite
Chicken Soup + Negra Modelo
We’re putting all of these together because they’ve got the same premise: Salty soup and a stomach-settling drink. It all depends on your taste preference and whether or not you want to reintroduce booze to the mix.
Bloody Mary + Dramamine + Joint
Speaking of booze, everyone has a different take on hair of the dog. Some believe that just a touch of alcohol will help reduce the monstrous withdrawal symptoms, which is pretty much what a hangover is. Others experience the “shampoo effect” where having that second round of alcohol before the first round is out of your system gets you pretty drunk pretty fast. Your call on how you want to play all that. But both pot and dramamine (for people who suffer from motion sickness) are proven anti-nausea remedies, so that part of the equation adds up. As long as you’re not the type to get crazy-paranoid about the things you may have said the night before…
Chocolate Milk and Sex
Yes, someone really said this on the interwebs, but it actually makes a lot of sense. Alcohol causes inflammation of the stomach lining, while milk coats your stomach, and chocolate makes regular milk slightly less disgusting. And sex, well, sex gets your blood pumping and your heart rate up, and an orgasm makes everything better—at least for a couple of minutes.
Sparkling Water, Salt, and Sauna
Oooooh child! Settle that stomach, re-up on the salt you lost, and then sweat those toxins OUT. While not everyone has the option to hit the sauna, everyone can boil water in a pot, and lean over said pot with a towel over their head to trap the steam. Hey, it’s the low-rent version but it still works.
Hot Shower, Cold Shower, Hot Shower, Cold Shower
This sounds totally miserable and it totally is, but it’s also cheap and at your disposal if you don’t have any of the ingredients above. Going from hot water to cold water and back again increases circulation and toxin elimination. Know that you’ll probably sweat out some of the toxins with the hot water, so make sure to stay hydrated before and after.
Coca Cola, Ibuprofin, and a Nap
Coca Cola, aka “The Black Doctor” aka “The Red Ambulance” has been lauded as a hangover cure for quite some time. The fizziness settles the stomach, the caffeine boosts your energy, and the spike of sugar gives you a short reprieve from your hellish state. Take it with an Advil to relieve the headache, and then take a snooze to let the healing begin.
Coconut Water, Alka Seltzer, and a Smoothie
Coconut water is crazy hydrating, Alka Seltzer relieves muscle pains and protects the stomach lining from further acidic attack (thanks, alcohol), and smoothies just make you feel healthy.
Any hangover cures we missed? Let us know in the comments below. Cheers!