ALLEN CONKLE AND MIRANDA OLZMAN WERE ORIGINALLY SCHEDULED TO APPEAR ON THIS PERFORMANCE BUT DUE TO SCHEDULING PROBLEMS THEY WILL NOT BE ABLE TO APPEAR ON THIS SHOW. THEY WILL BE PERFORMING IN A FUTURE SOLO SUNDAYS SHOW.
It’s 12:37 am on November 9th 2016. The country just went red and needs a collective Xanax. “Holy hell, what just happened,” Stas thinks while noticing that Kali Ma, the Goddess, not the cat, is in the corner ripping heads off of bodies. Stas’ body is on fire! Is it possession, a fever, or maybe it’s just a hot flash? “Shake it off Stas! Shake it off”. After the shock she grabs a cup o’ Joe, lets the tears flow and pretends she has it under control all before 12:38 am. Surely she is going to make it through the night. Right?
So, here’s the plan. You’ll be ready and have your bag slung over your shoulder. As soon as they call your section you’ll power walk your ass over to the gate, have your ticket ready, and start walking through the weird tin hallway. You’ll get inside and try the seat belt, if it doesn’t fit – IT’S FINE, YOU’LL BE FINE – just ask the person for an extender. No one will ever even know. YOU’RE FINE.
EVELYN JEAN PINE
"Mom, This is My Abortion"
“Babies: they’re chubby, smell like honey, and make lucky women grandmas,” Mom exalts, touching up her lipstick in the movie theatre ladies room. “I just had an abortion,” Evy blurts out. While Mom lectures on the most fundamental principle of living, Evy explains her sex life.
Iris was kicked out of Dave & Busters. On her short list of accomplishments, this was one of her better endeavors. Then she was kicked out again. This time she was kicked down to her knees. Will she get back up?
"Crippled and Fine With It"
I'm getting ready to go on a Tinder date with this guy for the first time. I've already practiced my walk in the mirror multiple times but I know he'll still ask why I'm limping. As much as I want to walk with the perfect Grace Kelly poise, I am excited about trying out the new joke I wrote as response to his stupid questions
SUZANNE PATRICIA PULLEN
"'Is This About Abortion?' Or 'Why I Tell My Stillbirth Story.’"
The legislative aid asks me in a DC congressional hallway. No, you jack ass, I scream to myself. It's about my desperately wanted baby who died unexpectedly before he was born - NOT the same thing, dimwit. Instead, I patiently tell him it's a bill to prevent stillbirth and help grieving families. "Yeah," he smuggly mansplains. "But if you say grieving, it means it's a life, right? We'll sound like we're siding with the pro-lifers, and our pro-choice constituents won't like that." Turns out, this mouthpiece is right. It is about abortion. It always has been. Here's why...